The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Torture. Waiting to hear from the doctor is pure torture. Every time the phone rings, I get a pit in my stomach, jump up, run to the phone, and then it is only a telemarketer. Ugh. The nurse from the biopsy said that it usually takes 2-4 days for the results to come back from pathology. Of course, that puts me into next week. She said that I would probably hear something by Friday, so I am waiting on pins and needles. Trying to remain hopeful, but also trying to be realistic. I can't wait to get the phone call so that I can stop worrying about what might be, but will that turn into a whole new thing to worry about ? Feeling stressed, hopeful, hopeless, confused, nervous, sad, optimistic, and pessimistic. Hope that I can sleep tonight :/

The "B" Word

Biopsy. A few months ago, I noticed a small, hard area on the inside of my right breast. Since I was basically seeing my plastic surgeon every few weeks at that time, I just mentioned it to him. He just told me to "keep and eye on it and see if it got any bigger". Um.... my Mom and Grandma had breast cancer, I tested positive for BRCA AND had a mastectomy to reduce my chances...... Kind of freaking out ! I asked the nurse a few weeks later and she told me that it might be scar tissue that formed around where the flaps attach. Ok. That made more sense. I knew that I had an appointment with my breast surgeon soon, so I figured that I would just get her opinion when I saw her. I showed her the spot and she noted the size and shape of it. She told me that it was most likely fat necrosis- fatty tissue that has been bruised, injured, or has died. She also found a smaller spot, just around the bottom curve of the same breast. Just to be sure what we are dealing with, she sent me to have a mammogram or "Tramogram" and an ultrasound. This time, just of the right breast.

I arrived for this mammogram much more relaxed than previous ones because I knew what to expect. I also have kind of overcome my fear of being naked in front of people (kind of). Ok. Not overcome, but I am a bit more comfortable than I ever was before. I have flashed more people in the last 9 months than all of the co-eds in a "Girls Gone Wild" dvd. OK. Maybe not, but you get the idea. It was funny because the tech said that she remembered me from the last time that I was in. I guess that I am unforgettable :) (Either that or the fact that my last name is crazy, so everyone remembers me). Anyway, first the tech did a breast exam, then marked the questionable areas. We went into the screening room and did the usual stretching, pushing and pulling that occurs with a mammogram. She had me wait in the "holding area" while she had a doctor check the screening and make sure that they did not need anything else. I think that I made it through 3 magazines trying to keep busy, wondering what was taking so long and what they found. She returned and told me that the doctor was doing a procedure and it would just be a few more minutes. Phew. Crisis averted. A little bit after that, she came back and we went to have the ultrasound done.

I have had quite a few ultrasounds done in my day, so when that tech also recognized me, I realized that she was the one who had done my daughter's ultrasound 4 years before. That thought kind of relaxed me and I took me back to when we found out that after two boys, we were going to have a little girl. It was such a happy day for me. Of course, I love my boys, but everyone wants a little shopping buddy and someone to buy dresses and dolls for. After a few minutes, the realization of why I was there returned, but being the optimist that I am, I didn't worry too much. This is just a precaution. No big deal. Get this over with and I can enjoy the rest of my day. But it was a big deal.

The tech told me that it would just be about 10 minutes and the radiologist would look at it and she would let me know either way. She said not to be alarmed if she came back in and did the ultrasound herself, just to get a better look. Well, 10 minutes became 20 and 20 became 30. At this point all kinds of thoughts were going through my head. What the heck is taking so long ? Did they find something ? Were they having an oncology doc to look at it ? Then I thought about before. Maybe they are just waiting for the doc to get out of a procedure. Just relax. I said a few prayers and tried to settle myself down. Then they came in.

The radiologist was very nice. She had me lay back down and she tried to take a look at the spots. She went over the first, larger area. I could see on the screen that it was a oval-shaped, empty-looking area. Then she went over the second, smaller spot. It didn't have the same smooth shape and it was not clear. That was when I started to worry.

I sat up and she explained that I had three options.
1. Wait 6 months and have another screening and see if anything had changed. Um. NO.
2. Have a biopsy of the areas in question and know for sure what they were.
3. Have my breast doctor remove the lumps.

I told her that I was not going to wait and that I wanted to do the biopsy, so we know what we are dealing with. She told me that I could schedule it for next week in our local hospital and then left. Then she came back in and told me that I might want to consider having it done at the larger hospital 40 miles away "just in case" they needed to do an MRI or something. Now I am really worried. Did she really think that it was something to be concerned about ? I held it together until I got to the car and then the tears fell.

When I got home, my husband hugged me while I cried and reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I really want to believe this and I do, but then that nasty doubt creeps in and makes me question why I am not more worried. I wasn't worried about being BRCA positive and I was. Maybe I have cancer and I am blowing it off because I think that it is all going to be ok. I know that I just had the surgery 8 months ago, so there wasn't anything there then and my tissue samples were good, so that makes me feel a little better, but this is still hanging over me. Why do these things always happen on a Friday ?

So, next week, I will have a biopsy done and hopefully have some answers.

Post-Op ..... #4

So, I had my abdominal wall repair surgery last Thursday and came home the following day. The pain and uncomfortable feeling was about what I was expecting. It was similar to my C-sections and the TRAM. The part that I wasn't expecting was the drain that was put in my pelvic area. OMG did that hurt ! Getting up out of bed, using the bathroom was so painful. It is still painful today (Tuesday) but not nearly as bad as it was. I stopped taking the meds Sunday morning and the pain has been bearable. If I get up from my chair the wrong way, I still get that sharp pain in my groin area, but it goes away after a few seconds. I go back to see the doctor this Friday, so I am hoping that he will remove it then and I can finally move forward !

As far as the tummy area, it is very tight. It looks the same as before because my doc just opened up the previous scar. I have stitches, which will probably be removed this week. I tried to sneeze yesterday and wow, did that hurt. Laughing is no laughing matter (I know, I know).....

TMI- As with any surgery, having a BM is very difficult after surgery. I was taking stool softeners before I came home and I had a prescription for softeners as well as laxatives. Even with all of these aids, it took several days to produce anything (even gas !). Of course, once something was ready, it hurt terribly, due to the pressure that you are putting on the stomach muscle. Things are still not 100% normal, 4 days later, but as long as there is something coming out, I am not concerned.

"Muscle Weakness"

Well, I just returned from yet another surgery. This time to repair my "muscle weakness". After the last surgery to remove the scar tissue from my lower left abdomen, my muscle didn't bounce back like it should have. So, my intestines were pushing out beyond my waistline (about 4 inches).  We waited a few weeks to be sure that my insides were all healed. Yesterday was the big deal. It is weird to say it, but I was counting down the days. I have had to wear my fat pants because none of my other pants would fit around the bulge.

This surgery was pretty simple, just repairing the muscle and adding more mesh. However, it seemed much more painful last night. The incision wasn't the worst part. The new drain that was placed in my pelvic area is killing me ! It is a really sharp pain when I go to the bathroom or try to get back into bed. It's not quite as bad today, so I am hoping that it will disapate over the next few days.

Until then, I am under strict orders (from my husband) to sit in my recliner and not do anything. I definitely don't want this to happen again !

The Aftermath...... 6 Months Later

So, I have done a lot of explaining what to expect before and just after a TRAM Flap surgery, but I haven't really covered how it feels. I am just over 6 months out from my surgery and all of my other issues aside, I feel great ! I am back to work, pretty much like nothing has happened. I have noticed  little bit that my stomach muscles are not quite what they used to be. For example, if I am going to sit down in a chair, it is more of a drop and less of a graceful motion. :) I am not sure if that is due to the hernia, lack of toning or if that is just how it is going to be. I think that once all of this other business is taken care of and I can exercise a bit, the muscle will (hurt) begin to tighten up and won't be so loosey-goosey. I still have the fluid build up going on, so my tummy is not as flat as I would like it to be. I might go back to the massage after this next surgery and see if that might get things moving. My stomach is still a little numb, mostly around my belly button. My surgeon fixed that area when he removed the scar tissue, so that may be due to the repair more than the TRAM surgery.

As far as my breasts go, they look AWESOME ! I literally have my "20 year-old" boobs back ! I am very pleased with how they look. The scars are fading quickly. I think that after another six months or so, they will be really hard to see. Not like I am going to be showing them off or anything, but they are looking more "normal". They are still a little bit numb in some areas, my right side more than my left. Overall, I am getting the feeling back in them, meaning that if I pinch myself or scratch myself, I feel it, but it is not painful. It is weird because sometimes I will feel an itch and I literally can't scratch it ! I try, but I can't really tell what I am scratching. There is no sensation in my breasts or nipples when they are touched. Not that I expected anything, just confirming that all of the info that you may have read is true.

What I have been through I *hope* is not typical. I think that most people would be feeling pretty close to 100% at this point. I had no issues, I think that I would be there too, just all of these pesky complications keep coming up and setting me back a little bit each time :)

Pink and Blue Movie

Recently, my family members were asked to participate in a documentary being filmed called Pink and Blue Movie.  BRCA affects both females and males. When we think of breast cancer, we mostly think of women, but men can develop breast cancer too. Please check out the movie's website and "Like" the Facebook page here to keep up with the progress of this awesome project !!!

The "Worst Case Scenario" patient

Side Effects:

Swelling...............................Check
Seroma.................................Check
Delayed Wound Healing......Check
Lymphedema........................Check
Scar Tissue...........................Check
Hernia...................................Check

What's left ?

OK, so remember that "bulge" in my abdomen ? I was having some pain and discomfort and the ER doctor said that it was a hernia. Great. My doc ordered a CT Scan and then I saw him the next day. He said "Good news. No fluid collection and it is not a hernia, just weakened muscle". Unfortunately, there is no way to resolve this other than going back in for surgery again. This is a total bummer, but I was expecting it, so no big surprise. I would be sooooooooo happy if this gets resolved and I have no further issues. It would be so nice to get through this and then move on with my life.

I feel like I have been in a holding pattern for the past 6 months. Once I get through one thing, there is always something else to get through, then something else. When I am feeling down about how long this recovery is taking, I just tell myself that it will be so worth it in the long run. My chances are so much better because of this surgery. Yeah, it really sucks right now. All that I want is to feel normal again. No more aches and pains, no more bulges. I'll get there. I'm trying to be patient, but sometimes that is easier said than done.