The "B" Word

Biopsy. A few months ago, I noticed a small, hard area on the inside of my right breast. Since I was basically seeing my plastic surgeon every few weeks at that time, I just mentioned it to him. He just told me to "keep and eye on it and see if it got any bigger". Um.... my Mom and Grandma had breast cancer, I tested positive for BRCA AND had a mastectomy to reduce my chances...... Kind of freaking out ! I asked the nurse a few weeks later and she told me that it might be scar tissue that formed around where the flaps attach. Ok. That made more sense. I knew that I had an appointment with my breast surgeon soon, so I figured that I would just get her opinion when I saw her. I showed her the spot and she noted the size and shape of it. She told me that it was most likely fat necrosis- fatty tissue that has been bruised, injured, or has died. She also found a smaller spot, just around the bottom curve of the same breast. Just to be sure what we are dealing with, she sent me to have a mammogram or "Tramogram" and an ultrasound. This time, just of the right breast.

I arrived for this mammogram much more relaxed than previous ones because I knew what to expect. I also have kind of overcome my fear of being naked in front of people (kind of). Ok. Not overcome, but I am a bit more comfortable than I ever was before. I have flashed more people in the last 9 months than all of the co-eds in a "Girls Gone Wild" dvd. OK. Maybe not, but you get the idea. It was funny because the tech said that she remembered me from the last time that I was in. I guess that I am unforgettable :) (Either that or the fact that my last name is crazy, so everyone remembers me). Anyway, first the tech did a breast exam, then marked the questionable areas. We went into the screening room and did the usual stretching, pushing and pulling that occurs with a mammogram. She had me wait in the "holding area" while she had a doctor check the screening and make sure that they did not need anything else. I think that I made it through 3 magazines trying to keep busy, wondering what was taking so long and what they found. She returned and told me that the doctor was doing a procedure and it would just be a few more minutes. Phew. Crisis averted. A little bit after that, she came back and we went to have the ultrasound done.

I have had quite a few ultrasounds done in my day, so when that tech also recognized me, I realized that she was the one who had done my daughter's ultrasound 4 years before. That thought kind of relaxed me and I took me back to when we found out that after two boys, we were going to have a little girl. It was such a happy day for me. Of course, I love my boys, but everyone wants a little shopping buddy and someone to buy dresses and dolls for. After a few minutes, the realization of why I was there returned, but being the optimist that I am, I didn't worry too much. This is just a precaution. No big deal. Get this over with and I can enjoy the rest of my day. But it was a big deal.

The tech told me that it would just be about 10 minutes and the radiologist would look at it and she would let me know either way. She said not to be alarmed if she came back in and did the ultrasound herself, just to get a better look. Well, 10 minutes became 20 and 20 became 30. At this point all kinds of thoughts were going through my head. What the heck is taking so long ? Did they find something ? Were they having an oncology doc to look at it ? Then I thought about before. Maybe they are just waiting for the doc to get out of a procedure. Just relax. I said a few prayers and tried to settle myself down. Then they came in.

The radiologist was very nice. She had me lay back down and she tried to take a look at the spots. She went over the first, larger area. I could see on the screen that it was a oval-shaped, empty-looking area. Then she went over the second, smaller spot. It didn't have the same smooth shape and it was not clear. That was when I started to worry.

I sat up and she explained that I had three options.
1. Wait 6 months and have another screening and see if anything had changed. Um. NO.
2. Have a biopsy of the areas in question and know for sure what they were.
3. Have my breast doctor remove the lumps.

I told her that I was not going to wait and that I wanted to do the biopsy, so we know what we are dealing with. She told me that I could schedule it for next week in our local hospital and then left. Then she came back in and told me that I might want to consider having it done at the larger hospital 40 miles away "just in case" they needed to do an MRI or something. Now I am really worried. Did she really think that it was something to be concerned about ? I held it together until I got to the car and then the tears fell.

When I got home, my husband hugged me while I cried and reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I really want to believe this and I do, but then that nasty doubt creeps in and makes me question why I am not more worried. I wasn't worried about being BRCA positive and I was. Maybe I have cancer and I am blowing it off because I think that it is all going to be ok. I know that I just had the surgery 8 months ago, so there wasn't anything there then and my tissue samples were good, so that makes me feel a little better, but this is still hanging over me. Why do these things always happen on a Friday ?

So, next week, I will have a biopsy done and hopefully have some answers.