Two years later....

Wow. I cna't beleive that I have been away so long. A lot has happened since my last update. I noticed that I still had a asymmetry in my upper abdomen and so I tried theraputic massage. My doctor thought that it may be fluid trapped in a pocket. While it was relaxing, it didn't do anything for me. I then tried physical therapy. The therapist told me that it was actually the muscle that was bulging and that I had diastasis recti, or a  separation between the two sides of the rectus abdominis muscles.

Just after my one year update, I consulted with a general surgeon regarding these issues as well as weakness in my lower abdominal area (again) and we decided that the best thing to do would be to go back in the original site and do an overhaul. The general surgeon suggested that he work with my plastic surgeon since he had done the other surgeries and knew what had been done. So, a day before my birthday, I went in for the surgery. Believe it or not, I was excited. I wanted to fix it all and move on. I was tired of looking funny and being in pain. I stayed overnight and left on my birthday, hopeful that this would be it.

But it wasn't.

I followed the doctor's instructions. To a T. I was convinced that I had done too much previously or I had somehow caused all of this each time, Again I had drainage issues, seromas, etc. About a month and a half later, I was able to return to work. I still had drains in, but I really wanted to get back to a normal life. I did eventaully get there. A few months later, I was again noticing a large disparity in the way my abdominal area looked. It literally looked like a roller coaster. One small bump on the lower left side, a large dip and then a big hill on the upper right. It felt weird too. I could feel the mesh under the muscle, but I also felt a funny "bubble" that sat on the top of the large bulge. I decided to see if a different doctor could answer what it was. I was hopeful that he may be able to explain things and fix it. I know..... another surgery ?!?! Really ?!?! He did explain that it was just how it was healing with scar tissue and basically there isn't much that he could do. Going in again may not be the best idea. The way he put it was that with each surgery, you run the risk of damaging the muscles even further. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement.

I had gone through all of this stuff and nothing had worked out how I wanted it to. Of course, reducing the risk of breast cancer was some consolation, but I was feeling pretty low. It was depressing. I hated how people asked how I was doing and I explained and they gave me that pitiful "Oh, poor you" look. I didn't want anyone's pity, I just wanted to feel and look normal again. I looked back at pictures that I had taken right after surgery and it literally made me cry. My body had been through so much trauma ove the past two years and looked NOTHING like that. It looked so much worse. Uneven, bumpy, lumpy, gross. Losing a little weight didn't help either, it just accentuated the deformity.

So, that's where I am right now. Not happy with how I look, but dealing with it. I am not sure what my next course of action is. I am going to give it a little more time and maybe I'll see what my options are in 6 months. I am not comfortable wearing form-fitting shirts that I was hoping to wear again. Now, I wear tops that are a size too big so that they do not cling to my lump. Unfortunately, they hang loose on me and I look like I am playing dress up my Mom's clothes. When I do wear something a little bit tighter, people ask if I have lost weight or remark on how much smaller I am. I don't want to have to explain why I wear larger shirts to cover my stomach. It's embarrassing.

Maybe it doens't look as bad as I think, but I am my own worst critic. Someday I'll feel good about my body again. Just not today.

Wow..... It's been a while !

I just realized that I haven't posted in quite a while. Did you miss me ? :) I am happy to say that everything turned out well with the biopsy. No cancer !!! I have just been busy with kids and work and everything else that life wants to throw at me.

While I am so happy that there was no cancer, my breast surgeon saw me for a recheck and referred me to one of her associated to take a look at my abdomen. It is still quite lumpy/bumpy. She also sent me for a CT scan to see if we could determine what exactly was going on. I met with the surgeon and liked him immediately. He explained that my lower bulge was likely due to all of the trauma caused by the constant opening and reopening of that area. The muscle may or may not bounce back. So basically. I am stuck and just need to wait and see if it will repair itself. He was more concerned about my upper abdomen. Remember how I had that bulge right under my ribs ? The ER doc said cellulitis. My PS told me that it was fat/fluid. The new doc said that it was more likely a muscular issue. He thinks that it is most likely a hernia inside that keeps popping out when I strain or use the muscle. So what does that mean ? Another surgery. Seriously.

The doc plans on going in my original incision and then they will go up and work on the upper issue. He is going to go in there to see exactly what the problem is and stretch the muscle back or add mesh across my upper abdomen to strengthen the area. He is also going to check out the lower area and see what's going on there.

I kind of knew that this might be coming, so I am not totally surprised. Did I want to avoid it, yes, but I do not want to look like this any longer. I feel like it is shallow to say that I am not happy with how I look, but the reality is if I don't fix it, it will get worse and this will have to be done eventually.

So, that's where I am at. Fun times :/

Post-Op ..... #4

So, I had my abdominal wall repair surgery last Thursday and came home the following day. The pain and uncomfortable feeling was about what I was expecting. It was similar to my C-sections and the TRAM. The part that I wasn't expecting was the drain that was put in my pelvic area. OMG did that hurt ! Getting up out of bed, using the bathroom was so painful. It is still painful today (Tuesday) but not nearly as bad as it was. I stopped taking the meds Sunday morning and the pain has been bearable. If I get up from my chair the wrong way, I still get that sharp pain in my groin area, but it goes away after a few seconds. I go back to see the doctor this Friday, so I am hoping that he will remove it then and I can finally move forward !

As far as the tummy area, it is very tight. It looks the same as before because my doc just opened up the previous scar. I have stitches, which will probably be removed this week. I tried to sneeze yesterday and wow, did that hurt. Laughing is no laughing matter (I know, I know).....

TMI- As with any surgery, having a BM is very difficult after surgery. I was taking stool softeners before I came home and I had a prescription for softeners as well as laxatives. Even with all of these aids, it took several days to produce anything (even gas !). Of course, once something was ready, it hurt terribly, due to the pressure that you are putting on the stomach muscle. Things are still not 100% normal, 4 days later, but as long as there is something coming out, I am not concerned.

Pink and Blue Movie

Recently, my family members were asked to participate in a documentary being filmed called Pink and Blue Movie.  BRCA affects both females and males. When we think of breast cancer, we mostly think of women, but men can develop breast cancer too. Please check out the movie's website and "Like" the Facebook page here to keep up with the progress of this awesome project !!!

Big girls don't cry

I am an optimist. Always have been. I try to see the best in every situation. Sometimes, that is easier said than done. Being BRCA + stinks. No one wants this diagnosis, but there is nothing we can do to change it.

Have a mastectomy, that will fix it. But what happens when things don't go exactly as planned ? I have been trying hard through this whole surgery/recovery to take things as they came and not get too upset when things don't go well. Some days are better than others.

These last few weeks have been dotted with good days and bad days. I just want to be normal again. Why is this taking so long ? I look so deformed and feel gross. Why is this happening ? I had such great results a month after the surgery. Will it ever look that good again ?  Nothing in my closet fits.  I feel uncomfortable wearing clothes that fit a few months ago. It's so depressing.

Everyone has so many questions about my recovery and sometimes, it's hard  because I don't know the answers. I know that everyone is just curious and have my best interest at heart, but I don't like all of the attention. What I want more than anything is to feel normal again and instead, I feel like I stick out more than ever before.

I've gone through all emotions in the past few months. Happy, sad, relieved, scared, confused, nervous, tired.... I've cried. A lot. It helps. Talking about it helps too. I am lucky to have good listeners who let me talk through things and validate my feelings. No, this was not what was supposed to happen. Yes, it is ok to be worried. It is also ok to want to look and feel normal. That is not shallow or vain, I went in looking one way and now I look worse. It's ok to want to look normal again. Being BRCA+ sucks.

But...... things will get better. Yep. The optimist is back. :)

What a long, strange trip it's been.....And it's not over yet

Well, it has been about a month since my last post and what a month it has been ! The ultrasound showed that I did have a few pockets of fluid hanging around. I also still had my last drain in from the surgery. My doc decided to remove the drain and I was finally free !!! It only took 4 months, but it felt so great to finally be able to move around without that thing attached. You get so used to having the drain, you don't realize how much you are restricted by it. After that came out, I noticed that my stomach was still not right. I was worried about more fluid collection, so we did another ultrasound and that revealed a decrease in the size of the fluid pockets, so that was a plus.

So, if it wasn't fluid collection, what the heck was wrong ? All along, I had been told that it was fluid. It was cellulitis. It was inflammation. It would get better, just give it some time. But it was not getting better. So I asked my doctor to explain what was going on. He explained that the scar tissue grew between my skin and muscle, it would need some time to grow back together correctly. The scar tissue also pushed everything around, causing the inflammation in my stomach area. We decided to wait a few months, try to let things heal and settle, then we will decide where to go from here. I may try massage therapy and see if that might help the swelling go down. At this point, I will try anything !

This may seem like I am whining, but my clothes still do not fit right. After wearing sweat pants for 4 months, I had to try and find something in my closet to wear to work. I still have a bulged out area where the mass was removed, so I need pants that will allow some space in that area. I also have the swollen area on the right side. So, a lot of the my shirts and blouses don't fit either. My stomach looks like a roller coaster. :( I know that this is temporary, but it is disappointing.

The Dummies Guide to TRAM-Flap Surgery

I wish that I had done a better job recounting this recovery week-by-week, so that it might be more helpful for someone one day, but honestly, pretty much the first 3 weeks I did nothing but take meds on cue and sleep. I don't think that I even picked the laptop up until last week. I still have it kind of resting on my knees, because I don't want any extra pressure in the belly area.

I will try to recall basic details, so if you are thinking of having a TRAM-Flap or preparing for one, you will know what to expect. This is going to be an unfinished epic. I am going to keep adding to it when all of the warm, fuzzy memories return. :)

Deciding between the surgeries can be difficult (or simple). Your Plastic Surgeon will be able to let you know right away if you are a candidate for the TRAM-Flap or what size you can expect to be after the surgery. Some plastic surgeons don't even do this surgery, so make sure to check with the office when setting up your appointment. My surgeon said that I had a "good harvest" (his words) which made both my husband and I laugh. I have never thought of a fat stomach that way. I have always been larger-chested, especially since I have had kids. I didn't have a problem going smaller. We decided that it would be a good option for me. I liked the idea of the tummy tuck (DUH !) and using my own tissue as opposed to implants. My sisters and Mom all got implants, but I just wanted to try to avoid it, if I could. If that were going to be the route that I was going to take, I would have just done more research and it would have been fine as well. It just worked out for me to go this way.

 One important thing to keep in mind when going in for surgery is to be realistic with your expectations. The surgeon is going to remove lower belly fat, not ALL fat. You may be larger on top of the incision than you thought. Unless you have no upper fat, you are not going to come out of this looking like a supermodel. The good thing is that through diet and exercise, you can change this. If you are concerned, ask your doc what he thinks the results will be. 

OK. Surgery Date's been set. What do you need to do ?

I'm a planner and a little OCD. Not sure if I have revealed that fact yet. I am a list maker. I make lists for my lists. I made up a list of EVERYTHING that I wanted to get done about 2 weeks before surgery and just ticked things off, one by one. Everyone will be different. For me, having 3 kids was the biggest thing to plan for. My list was basically:

• ALL laundry done and put away
• Clean sheets on all beds
• FULL grocery shopping done- Anything that you and your family might eat or need (toilet paper, dish soap, comfort food, things that you will want to eat- even treats for yourself :)
• Pack your bag. I mentioned this before, but you really don't need much. You wear hospital gowns and won't eat or do much while you are there, so basically, bring a toothbrush and you're good. 
• Plan for your kids- Babysitters, picking up from school and day care. It sucks, but it needs to be done. My surgery was first thing and an hour away. We dropped the kids off at my parents the night before. My husband ended up staying the first night at the hospital, so Grandma and Papa had them both nights and had to get them to and from school. My husband also just planned hospital visits around school times, so it worked out. If you have pets obviously, you need to plan for them and also have a Back-up, just in case something doesn't go as planned. 
• Tell as many (or as few) people about the surgery. Obviously, if you are an open person and tell people about it, they are going to offer to help out. TAKE THEM UP ON IT !! Even if they get your mail or make a meal, it is one less thing for you or you care giver to do.
• I wrote my kid's teachers a note that I would be having surgery and would be down for a bit and we were going to to try to keep things as normal as possible and that Grandpa would be picking them up some days. I hope that this also helped them understand if homework was done a little more "creatively" with Dad or if they were missing something. 
• Finally, (and most importantly), I loaded up my DVR with a bunch of everything. Surprisingly, I have made my way (or slept) through most of what was recorded. I am glad that I did. It kept me occupied while I was relaxing, but not really ready to read or do much else. 

What do you need to buy ? Well, you don't need to buy all of this if you don't have them, but these things help !

• Recliner. I was lucky enough to already own a big, cushy leather-blend recliner, so I don't know what people who don't have one use to get comfy, but I spent 23 1/2 hours of each day in the recliner (30 minutes going to the bathroom and showering), so if you are thinking of adding a piece of furniture, consider a nice recliner. I bought a washable cover, so every few days, it got a wash. I am on week 4 and still in the recliner for most of the day and sleep the best in the recliner. It takes the pressure off of your belly and it is easier to get out of than a flat bed. We'll discuss this later. 
•  Pillows, pillows and more pillows. You can use them however you need to to get comfortable. You can never have too many, and all sizes and shapes work.  
• I had a detachable shower head already, but I recommend this for "showering". I preferred sitting on the edge of the tub and using the sprayer to clean myself. I have a few areas  with wounds that are slowly healing more slowly that freak me out, so I can make sure to keep them dry this way. I also have a shower with a seat in it, which would work to if I was not worried about the spots. You can stand up in the shower, like any other time, but you will feel weak at first and it will be hard to stand for any long period of time. You may want to rent/borrow/buy a shower chair.
• You will probably need some medical supplies, but I would wait to see what they give you from the hospital and what your doc says that you need. You may not need anything. Lucky you ! 

 One point that I can not emphasize enough that having a strong care-giver or team is sooooo important. You are going to want to do a lot on your own, but you just can't. You shouldn't and you physically can't do a lot on your own for at least two weeks. My husband was AMAZING ! Kept the kids away so I could sleep, kept me comfortable ran out to get me a snack that just "sounded good", took over all of the household chores so that I didn't have to worry about them getting done. I can never thank him enough.

If you are a single gal, please try to line up someone to stay with you or cover shifts. You will be taking meds and even getting up to go to the bathroom can be dangerous. If you don't have someone with you 24/7, have a neighbor or friend who lives close on speed dial so that if you need help at 2 in the morning, they can be there in minutes.

It's here, it's here ! It's finally here !!! The big day !
I know that most people would dread this day, but I had been waiting for so long, I was ready to get it on. I have had my mind made up for over a year, I knew this was what I wanted to do. No second thoughts. Let's just get moving. What to do:

• Follow you doctor's or hospital's instructions- Usually no eating or drinking for 12 hours before the surgery. 
• Only take into the hospital what you need immediately. Insurance cards, Driver's License, cell phone. Leave your bag, lap tops, chargers, etc in the car. Your care giver can grab this stuff later. You won't want to have to lug this around into the pre-op room. 
• Be prepared that even if your surgery is scheduled at 8, you will probably be set to arrive 2 hours ahead. It might seem like a lot of time, but you will check-in, be called back to pre-op, get changed into a gown, take a medical history, talk to a few nurses, get an IV going, talk to the anesthesiologist, talk to your surgeon, talk to plastic surgeon. Maybe a few more people. Before you know it. Its showtime ! 
• One more thing to be prepared for (this has happened a few times, so I know from experience) is that you might get bumped. Not physically, but other surgeries might run behind or longer than planned. I know how nervous/excited you might be, but try to stay calm and just know that it will be done. Just ask the nurses to keep you posted and they will. 
• When the time comes, the nurse will start a drip of meds that will make you groggy, but still awake. I usually remember clearly kissing my husband, saying "I love you" and being wheeled into the OR. At that point, sometimes, I remember getting on to the operating bed, other times, I have been out before that point.

And then you wake up......

• You may or may not remember recovery. Usually you will wake up and a nurse will say "Hello" and explain what is going on and ask you if you need anything like water or ice. Yum. Ice chips. They just aren't the same at home.
• You may be feeling sick, tired, in pain, anything. Just tell the nurse, and they will adjust your meds, get you water or a bed pan. They are your go-to at this point. If your nurse isn't cutting it, have your care-giver grab one of the others. You need to get comfortable and that won't happen if your needs aren't being met. Most of these nurses are really helpful, but my Mom had to go after one guy I had after one surgery because I was in so much pain and he was kind of blowing me off.
• Bottom line- this is about you and it is ok to ask for things. I always felt awkward asking for some crackers or a cup of ice chips. Now I realize that YOU are the one having surgery. They won't think twice about you an hour after you leave, so who cares how many times you ask for something ? You are not putting the nurse out. It is their job to help you ! Oh, and if you throw up on them, it won't be the first time and I am sure that they have seen it all before, so if you are an apologizer like me, DON'T WORRY !!!! 

 During your hospital stay.....

• REST. I can't say this enough. Sleep whenever you feel like it. It doesn't matter what time it is, sleep if you want to. Visitors will understand if you nod off and will either be there when you wake up or leave you a little note. 
• If you have a pump for pain meds, DO NOT be afraid to use it. You will have some pain and discomfort. Don't be a hero. Your doctor ok'd the use of the meds and they are set to only disperse after a set amount of time. You are not going to OD. LOL The meds will allow you to relax and be comfortable. If you don't have a pump, don't be afraid to ask for something if you are feeling uncomfortable. If the nurse asks if you want something, take it ! They can tell by how you look and your body language how you are feeling. They won't think that you are an addict ! They will only give you what you need. The longer you wait to take something, the longer it will take to kick in. Be proactive and hit the pain head on. 
• You may have a catheter in after surgery and that will make things easy on you for the first day or so. Once it is out, you will have to get up and use the bathroom. Your nurse or caregiver can help you at first, but after a few times, you may feel more comfortable doing this on your own. The nurse may collect your urine in a "hat"- a container that fits over the toilet that catches the urine and allows the nurse to measure your "output". This will help in determining how much of the IV is going through your body and exiting the system. 
• Getting out of bed- The nurse will encourage you to try and get out of bed, possibly the day after your surgery. You might think that it is impossible and you might feel tired, but just moving a little more everyday will make your recovery easier. You might start off by walking around your room or down the hall of the hospital. Each time, set a further point to try and walk to. You will be so proud of yourself when you reach those goals ! 
• A Respiratory Therapist may visit you and leave behind an Incentive Spirometer (below) for you to work on breathing. Listen to their instructions or have them write down the goals for you. You may not reach them right away, but keep trying a few times an hour. This will help to increase your lung function. It will be hard at first, but keep trying ! It is very important and will help how you feel in the long run.

•  You will most likely have surgical drains in place after surgery. How many and how long these drain will be in depends on several factors: Your body, the depth of the wound and your surgeon.
• The most common drains are "JP Drains" - Jackson Pratt Drains. For the first few days, your nurse will strip the drains and measure your fluid output. Before you leave, if you have still have drains, your nurse will show you how to care for them.
  Try not to be too discouraged if you leave the hospital with drains. This is very normal. Yes, they are a pain, but they will most likely be removed with a week or two.
• After a few days of resting, walking and lots of doctors and nurses "checking you out", it will be time to go home. This may be exciting and/or scary, but as long as you have someone there to help you, things will be fine. You can do it ! 
• Your doctor will prescribe some pain meds to take home. Try to have them filled at the hospital or have your caregiver have the Rx filled before you leave. The nurse may be able to call some of the prescriptions in to your pharmacy ahead of time, if necessary. 
• You may want to have a pillow in the car to put over your tummy area. Your seatbelt will be tight and the pillow will keep it from hitting you where it hurts.

Home Sweet Home !!!

• Ready or not, you are back at home. Time to move on to the next stage of your recovery. My main advice is to take it easy. You may feel useless for a few weeks, but in the end, it is the only thing that will speed up recovery. You may feel as if you can do things, but bending, stretching and turning will prolong your body's recovery. Here's a link with some tips on going home.
• Your doctor may prescribe a stool softener that will help you "go" without having to strain. Once the magic moment happens, you may want to have someone help you clean the area or use wet wipes. It is difficult to turn like usual, so for the first few days, you just have to do what you have to do. 
• Sleep when you can, take the med on schedule and try to relax as much as possible. Be sure to chart when you take your meds and any drainage from your drains. Also, write down any questions for your doctor. Bring all of this information to your follow up appointment. Your doctor will want to see you a few days after you leave the hospital and then weekly, to check your progress.
• Be sure not to use a heating pad on your breast area. You will not be able to feel how hot it is and there is a possibility for burns. Check with your doctor about using ice.  
• You may not feel much like eating, especially the first few days home, but it is important to eat when taking your meds. This will keep you from getting nauseous. It is also important to eat foods that contain protein in order to promote healing. I know that it is tempting to eat junk food, and it is ok to eat that in moderation, but you don't want to undo what you just did ! 
• Drink lots of water. This will keep you hydrated and also keep your body healthy. Drinking several glasses of water is a good habit to get into, especially if you are not a water drinker.  
• If you are in severe pain, running a fever, vomiting, there is excessive bleeding or something just doesn't seem "right", call your doctor immediately or head to the Emergency Room. Don't feel bad about calling after hours, that doctor is on call for a reason. The doctor will instruct you on what to do. 

Going to the doctor.....

• Your surgeon will want to see you a few days after you are released from the hospital. You may already have an appointment set up or you may call the office when you leave. 
• When going to see the doctor, be sure to bring any charts about drainage or your schedule of meds with you. Bring anything else that the doctor has asked you to keep track of. 
• At your first visit, you nurse or medical assistant will bring you back to a room and may check your blood pressure and/or weight. She will ask some questions about your recovery and how you are feeling. Don't diminish how you are feeling or if something hurts, let the nurse know. Ask any questions that you may have. The nurse may answer them or let the doctor know and he can address them when he comes in.
• When the doctor comes in, he will check your stitches and look at your incisions. He will ask how you are feeling and if you have any questions. If he has any concerns, he will let you know and if there is something that you need to keep track of or tend to, the doctor will tell you and instruct you on how to tend to these areas. Be sure to ask questions that you may have. You will schedule your next appointment to see the doctor within the next few days or weeks.
• He may feel the breasts and check for hard spots. These areas may require some massage to make them soft. Your doctor will let you know if this is necessary. 
• He will check any open wounds and instruct you on how to care for them. 
• You may also have a breast surgeon who is independent from the plastic surgeon. The surgeon will also want to see you and check your progress. 

How you may feel over the first few weeks....

• You may feel extremely tight in the stomach area
• You may have a hard time taking deep breaths
• You may feel gas bubbles or the feeling of air moving around your belly
• You may have a hard time having a bowel movement
• You may have pain and/or discomfort in the areas where you have stitches
• You may have numbness or tingling sensation in the surgical areas
• You may feel hard areas in the reconstructed breast or in your belly area
• You may have a hard time sitting up straight for a period of time
• You may have pain/discomfort in the drain areas
• You may feel weak, tired and have a hard time doing everyday activities
• You may have a hard time standing for a period of time
• You may have a hard time walking for a period of time or going up/down stairs
• You may feel like your stomach area is rock hard to the touch
• You may feel a lack of appetite or like a "stuffed turkey" after eating

You may feel all of none of these symptoms. These sensations will lessen over time. The first 3-4 weeks are the hardest. After week 4, you should be feeling a little more like yourself. The extreme tightness was much less by Week 4 for me. Over time, you will begin to regain some feeling in the "numb" areas. You may never fully have sensation in some areas. You can reduce the amount of pain meds that you take and eventually, you will be done. Don't toss them just yet, you may have a bad day and need something to help you get by.

Your doctor will give you the OK to start driving once you have stopping taking pain meds and your stitches are out. Your muscles may feel tight or weak, so be careful to make the trips short until you feel more comfortable. Try not to brake hard and be careful making turns. You would be surprised how much making a turn can hurt !

Follow all of your doctor's instructions over the next few weeks and continue your appointments so that he can keep track of your progress.

The Big Reveal

Yesterday was a milestone- I left the house, not to go to the doctor but a luncheon for work. It was my first time out of the house other than the doctors for anything and ....wait for it..... I was in a DRESS! Kind of a big deal, since I have nothing but elastic (or a bra) for the past 4 weeks. I really wanted to wear pants, but I have one last bulb in the lower area, so it was very uncomfortable when I tried them on. That in and of itself was a production.

I have been so excited to see what size I might be now and if any of my clothes fit (secretly hoping the answer was "no" so I could buy a new wardrobe). Well, it was 50/50. I dug deep, back into my closet where my clothes go to "retire". You know, we all have that section of clothes that we hang on to "just in case I lose a few pounds". I pulled out a few blouses and honestly, I was a bit disappointed. Other than the fact that they now fit more correctly in the chest area, they pretty much fit the same. After I thought about, it makes sense. I don't know why I was expecting my ribs and their "cushion" to magically shrink after the surgery. I have always been broader across the top, so everything basically fit the same.

I was pleasantly surprised when pants that I haven't worn in probably 6 or 7 years fit (and looked GOOD) !! Only problem was that darn JP drain. It hurt like a mother because the pants kept pushing it back "inside" and my body was like "Um. No. I don't want that back in here". I can't wait to try them on again next week, without pain involved. Bottom line, I dropped probably 3-4 pants sizes !!!! I looked at myself in the mirror and was amazed by my profile. I haven't looked that "slim" since before I had kids !! Bye-Bye "Mom-gut" !

However, it was a reminder that I need to work on my upper body. I am not sure how, but I need to do that. I think that I need to start easy, do some walking and eventually get into a more active routine. My goal is to get back into running. I used to "run" (ok, jog) back in the day and would love to get back into the habit. I always had some excuse why I couldn't exercise or make time, but now that the kids are almost at the age where they can stay home alone for 30 minutes or so I am kind of excited to get out on my own and have some "thinking time". So, I am putting it out there. Since I have been given this chance to 1. Save my life and protect me from future bad stuff and 2. Give me my figure back, I need to grab it and not get all chubby again. I have only lost a few pounds from the surgery since the surgeon basically played "Musical Fat" and just rearranged my tissue. The way that I am eating has also changed.

I am not a "big" eater. I am more of a snacker. Since the surgery, I am slowly getting my appetite back. However, the skin and my stomach are very tight feeling and when I am feeling full, I literally feel like I am going to burst. Everything feels really "jam packed" into my abdominal area. I am sure that the tightness will ease with time, but for now, It is borderline painful to eat or sneeze !

OK, focus Kelly. Lunch. Christmas Party. Work friends. I was really hoping to wear pants because they had the most dramatic effect, but I just couldn't do it. It was really uncomfortable. So, I chose a  flowy dress that I hadn't worn in about 2 years. I had never worn it to work, so it would look new to them :) I could tell the difference in the fit immediately and could see it in the mirror. Even my husband who is such a "man" commented and said I looked "great and beautiful" without being prompted ;) I have to admit, I was hoping for more of a reaction from my co-workers about how I looked. They all came over, sub-consciously looked at my boobs, gave me a hug, told me that I looked great, and asked how I was feeling. I guess I was hoping for "Oh my goodness, you look amazing" or " Look how thin you are !", but I have to just keep in mind that I really only showed off my top half and not the real difference-maker, so maybe when I wear pants, it will be more obvious. Next challenge- Family Christmas party. By that time, I will have my last drain out and I am wearing pants no matter what !!!!!