Big girls don't cry

I am an optimist. Always have been. I try to see the best in every situation. Sometimes, that is easier said than done. Being BRCA + stinks. No one wants this diagnosis, but there is nothing we can do to change it.

Have a mastectomy, that will fix it. But what happens when things don't go exactly as planned ? I have been trying hard through this whole surgery/recovery to take things as they came and not get too upset when things don't go well. Some days are better than others.

These last few weeks have been dotted with good days and bad days. I just want to be normal again. Why is this taking so long ? I look so deformed and feel gross. Why is this happening ? I had such great results a month after the surgery. Will it ever look that good again ?  Nothing in my closet fits.  I feel uncomfortable wearing clothes that fit a few months ago. It's so depressing.

Everyone has so many questions about my recovery and sometimes, it's hard  because I don't know the answers. I know that everyone is just curious and have my best interest at heart, but I don't like all of the attention. What I want more than anything is to feel normal again and instead, I feel like I stick out more than ever before.

I've gone through all emotions in the past few months. Happy, sad, relieved, scared, confused, nervous, tired.... I've cried. A lot. It helps. Talking about it helps too. I am lucky to have good listeners who let me talk through things and validate my feelings. No, this was not what was supposed to happen. Yes, it is ok to be worried. It is also ok to want to look and feel normal. That is not shallow or vain, I went in looking one way and now I look worse. It's ok to want to look normal again. Being BRCA+ sucks.

But...... things will get better. Yep. The optimist is back. :)