The Aftermath...... 6 Months Later

So, I have done a lot of explaining what to expect before and just after a TRAM Flap surgery, but I haven't really covered how it feels. I am just over 6 months out from my surgery and all of my other issues aside, I feel great ! I am back to work, pretty much like nothing has happened. I have noticed  little bit that my stomach muscles are not quite what they used to be. For example, if I am going to sit down in a chair, it is more of a drop and less of a graceful motion. :) I am not sure if that is due to the hernia, lack of toning or if that is just how it is going to be. I think that once all of this other business is taken care of and I can exercise a bit, the muscle will (hurt) begin to tighten up and won't be so loosey-goosey. I still have the fluid build up going on, so my tummy is not as flat as I would like it to be. I might go back to the massage after this next surgery and see if that might get things moving. My stomach is still a little numb, mostly around my belly button. My surgeon fixed that area when he removed the scar tissue, so that may be due to the repair more than the TRAM surgery.

As far as my breasts go, they look AWESOME ! I literally have my "20 year-old" boobs back ! I am very pleased with how they look. The scars are fading quickly. I think that after another six months or so, they will be really hard to see. Not like I am going to be showing them off or anything, but they are looking more "normal". They are still a little bit numb in some areas, my right side more than my left. Overall, I am getting the feeling back in them, meaning that if I pinch myself or scratch myself, I feel it, but it is not painful. It is weird because sometimes I will feel an itch and I literally can't scratch it ! I try, but I can't really tell what I am scratching. There is no sensation in my breasts or nipples when they are touched. Not that I expected anything, just confirming that all of the info that you may have read is true.

What I have been through I *hope* is not typical. I think that most people would be feeling pretty close to 100% at this point. I had no issues, I think that I would be there too, just all of these pesky complications keep coming up and setting me back a little bit each time :)

Pink and Blue Movie

Recently, my family members were asked to participate in a documentary being filmed called Pink and Blue Movie.  BRCA affects both females and males. When we think of breast cancer, we mostly think of women, but men can develop breast cancer too. Please check out the movie's website and "Like" the Facebook page here to keep up with the progress of this awesome project !!!

The "Worst Case Scenario" patient

Side Effects:

Swelling...............................Check
Seroma.................................Check
Delayed Wound Healing......Check
Lymphedema........................Check
Scar Tissue...........................Check
Hernia...................................Check

What's left ?

OK, so remember that "bulge" in my abdomen ? I was having some pain and discomfort and the ER doctor said that it was a hernia. Great. My doc ordered a CT Scan and then I saw him the next day. He said "Good news. No fluid collection and it is not a hernia, just weakened muscle". Unfortunately, there is no way to resolve this other than going back in for surgery again. This is a total bummer, but I was expecting it, so no big surprise. I would be sooooooooo happy if this gets resolved and I have no further issues. It would be so nice to get through this and then move on with my life.

I feel like I have been in a holding pattern for the past 6 months. Once I get through one thing, there is always something else to get through, then something else. When I am feeling down about how long this recovery is taking, I just tell myself that it will be so worth it in the long run. My chances are so much better because of this surgery. Yeah, it really sucks right now. All that I want is to feel normal again. No more aches and pains, no more bulges. I'll get there. I'm trying to be patient, but sometimes that is easier said than done.

Big girls don't cry

I am an optimist. Always have been. I try to see the best in every situation. Sometimes, that is easier said than done. Being BRCA + stinks. No one wants this diagnosis, but there is nothing we can do to change it.

Have a mastectomy, that will fix it. But what happens when things don't go exactly as planned ? I have been trying hard through this whole surgery/recovery to take things as they came and not get too upset when things don't go well. Some days are better than others.

These last few weeks have been dotted with good days and bad days. I just want to be normal again. Why is this taking so long ? I look so deformed and feel gross. Why is this happening ? I had such great results a month after the surgery. Will it ever look that good again ?  Nothing in my closet fits.  I feel uncomfortable wearing clothes that fit a few months ago. It's so depressing.

Everyone has so many questions about my recovery and sometimes, it's hard  because I don't know the answers. I know that everyone is just curious and have my best interest at heart, but I don't like all of the attention. What I want more than anything is to feel normal again and instead, I feel like I stick out more than ever before.

I've gone through all emotions in the past few months. Happy, sad, relieved, scared, confused, nervous, tired.... I've cried. A lot. It helps. Talking about it helps too. I am lucky to have good listeners who let me talk through things and validate my feelings. No, this was not what was supposed to happen. Yes, it is ok to be worried. It is also ok to want to look and feel normal. That is not shallow or vain, I went in looking one way and now I look worse. It's ok to want to look normal again. Being BRCA+ sucks.

But...... things will get better. Yep. The optimist is back. :)

What a long, strange trip it's been.....And it's not over yet

Well, it has been about a month since my last post and what a month it has been ! The ultrasound showed that I did have a few pockets of fluid hanging around. I also still had my last drain in from the surgery. My doc decided to remove the drain and I was finally free !!! It only took 4 months, but it felt so great to finally be able to move around without that thing attached. You get so used to having the drain, you don't realize how much you are restricted by it. After that came out, I noticed that my stomach was still not right. I was worried about more fluid collection, so we did another ultrasound and that revealed a decrease in the size of the fluid pockets, so that was a plus.

So, if it wasn't fluid collection, what the heck was wrong ? All along, I had been told that it was fluid. It was cellulitis. It was inflammation. It would get better, just give it some time. But it was not getting better. So I asked my doctor to explain what was going on. He explained that the scar tissue grew between my skin and muscle, it would need some time to grow back together correctly. The scar tissue also pushed everything around, causing the inflammation in my stomach area. We decided to wait a few months, try to let things heal and settle, then we will decide where to go from here. I may try massage therapy and see if that might help the swelling go down. At this point, I will try anything !

This may seem like I am whining, but my clothes still do not fit right. After wearing sweat pants for 4 months, I had to try and find something in my closet to wear to work. I still have a bulged out area where the mass was removed, so I need pants that will allow some space in that area. I also have the swollen area on the right side. So, a lot of the my shirts and blouses don't fit either. My stomach looks like a roller coaster. :( I know that this is temporary, but it is disappointing.

Your Body is A Wonderland......

More like a war zone. Seriously. My stomach looks like a treasure map. Stitches, Doctor's markings, stretch marks, scabs. I'm a hot mess. Ever since New Year's Eve, when I first started to notice the abdominal swelling and the big "bulge" in my lower abdomen, I had been feeling discomfort and pain. I went from having a nice, flat tummy to having a lumpy, bumpy mess of a stomach.

Maybe I had just gained some weight or was retaining water. Everyday, I would ask my husband to compare the lumps to the day before.Was one side larger ? I even took a bunch of pictures to try and see if I could tell the difference. Nothing was happening except that I was feeling more and more upset about how things were turning out. After about a month and a half, we finally decided that we needed to go in and see what was going on. I wasn't really nervous about the surgery, but more nervous that I was just being vain and my "pumpkin" belly was just how it was going to be. The doc was only in for about 30 minutes. He pulled out a grapefruit-sized mass of scar tissue and infected tissue from my lower abdomen. It was like "Bam ! I told you so !" Who is excited that there was a mass removed ? This girl !

So, fast forward a week, and I noticed ANOTHER lump right (I know, right ?!?) under my rib on the same side where the last mass was removed. This one is smaller, feels like a golf ball. I called the office and the nurse told me to come in the next day. My doc wasn't there, so I saw another doc who wasn't sure what it was. He didn't think that it was muscular, but wasn't sure what it was. Seriously ! I thought that doctors knew everything !! I seem to get a lot of "I'm not sure what it is...." or "I don't know why this is happening....". I guess that I should have gone to medical school if you only have to know SOME things..... Ok. back to the topic.... He scheduled an ultrasound for the following week, a day after my next appointment with my regular doc. My doctor wasn't much more help. He wasn't sure either, so we went ahead with the ultrasound.

That was Wednesday and today is Sunday. I haven't heard from the office, but I guess no news is good news, right ? I was assuming that I would get the results at my appointment on Tuesday. So, until then, my golf ball and I will be waiting patiently for a diagnosis.

I was pumped full of alcohol and didn't even catch a buzz

Hello. My name is Kelly and I have a seroma. "Hi Kelly".
I wish that there were a support group  for this darn thing. Some days, it feels like I got into the ring with Rocky and I was Ivan Drago. My stomach area feels so tight and it is a constant ache. Getting up out of the seated position or from laying down is a chore and I end up hunched over until I can eventually straighten myself out. The good news is that it is not permanent and it is really a minor complication.

The explanation that my doctor gave me about my continuous draining was that after the surgery, the cavity where the tissue was removed from did not close up completely on its own. Any gaps allow serum (drainage) that occurs naturally in the body to collect in the empty space. Since there is a mini-vacuum installed there, it sucks all of the liquid out.

Solution: Sclerosing the seroma. My doctor took the drainage tube off of the bulb, then injected it with an alcohol/lidocaine solution, which went directly into the cavity. He then clamped it off and left me. I waited in the examining chair. And waited. And waited. After about 30 minutes, he reconnected the tube to a new bulb and the solution came back out. After dumping it, I was able to go home. What they failed to tell me was that the liquid coming out now was no longer "grapefruit juice" or "lemonade", it was straight up vampire blood. Pretty gross.The drainage amount is down, so yeah me !

The idea behind sclerosing the cavity is to irritate the lining and make it try to heal on its own. This may work the first time, or it make take a few repeat treatments to obtain the desired result. At this point, I am willing to try anything because it doesn't seem to want to close up on its own. The alternative is to go back to the surgery room, open up and clean the area out. The last thing that I want right now is another recovery period. I am finally able to do things that I couldn't do a few weeks ago. I am hoping that it will not come to this. On the positive side, it would give me more time to work on the blog :)