Wow. I cna't beleive that I have been away so long. A lot has happened since my last update. I noticed that I still had a asymmetry in my upper abdomen and so I tried theraputic massage. My doctor thought that it may be fluid trapped in a pocket. While it was relaxing, it didn't do anything for me. I then tried physical therapy. The therapist told me that it was actually the muscle that was bulging and that I had diastasis recti, or a separation between the two sides of the rectus abdominis muscles.
Just after my one year update, I consulted with a general surgeon regarding these issues as well as weakness in my lower abdominal area (again) and we decided that the best thing to do would be to go back in the original site and do an overhaul. The general surgeon suggested that he work with my plastic surgeon since he had done the other surgeries and knew what had been done. So, a day before my birthday, I went in for the surgery. Believe it or not, I was excited. I wanted to fix it all and move on. I was tired of looking funny and being in pain. I stayed overnight and left on my birthday, hopeful that this would be it.
But it wasn't.
I followed the doctor's instructions. To a T. I was convinced that I had done too much previously or I had somehow caused all of this each time, Again I had drainage issues, seromas, etc. About a month and a half later, I was able to return to work. I still had drains in, but I really wanted to get back to a normal life. I did eventaully get there. A few months later, I was again noticing a large disparity in the way my abdominal area looked. It literally looked like a roller coaster. One small bump on the lower left side, a large dip and then a big hill on the upper right. It felt weird too. I could feel the mesh under the muscle, but I also felt a funny "bubble" that sat on the top of the large bulge. I decided to see if a different doctor could answer what it was. I was hopeful that he may be able to explain things and fix it. I know..... another surgery ?!?! Really ?!?! He did explain that it was just how it was healing with scar tissue and basically there isn't much that he could do. Going in again may not be the best idea. The way he put it was that with each surgery, you run the risk of damaging the muscles even further. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement.
I had gone through all of this stuff and nothing had worked out how I wanted it to. Of course, reducing the risk of breast cancer was some consolation, but I was feeling pretty low. It was depressing. I hated how people asked how I was doing and I explained and they gave me that pitiful "Oh, poor you" look. I didn't want anyone's pity, I just wanted to feel and look normal again. I looked back at pictures that I had taken right after surgery and it literally made me cry. My body had been through so much trauma ove the past two years and looked NOTHING like that. It looked so much worse. Uneven, bumpy, lumpy, gross. Losing a little weight didn't help either, it just accentuated the deformity.
So, that's where I am right now. Not happy with how I look, but dealing with it. I am not sure what my next course of action is. I am going to give it a little more time and maybe I'll see what my options are in 6 months. I am not comfortable wearing form-fitting shirts that I was hoping to wear again. Now, I wear tops that are a size too big so that they do not cling to my lump. Unfortunately, they hang loose on me and I look like I am playing dress up my Mom's clothes. When I do wear something a little bit tighter, people ask if I have lost weight or remark on how much smaller I am. I don't want to have to explain why I wear larger shirts to cover my stomach. It's embarrassing.
Maybe it doens't look as bad as I think, but I am my own worst critic. Someday I'll feel good about my body again. Just not today.
Friday, January 22, 2016
I don't do sit ups anyway !
I always thought that it was kind of funny when the doctor would explain that the "sit up" muscle would be cut during a TRAM Flap surgery. I would joke everytime "Well, I don't do sit ups anyway, so I will be fine." Ha ha ha.......
Unfortunately, that muscle is used for more than just doing sit ups as an exercise. After two years, I am just now finally getting back some use of the rectus abdominis muscles. For example, it is not easy to just sit up in bed or get up off of the floor. I tend to roll my body into the desired position. I call myself a turtle because that is how I feel if I end up on my back. Either I call for one of my kids to give me a hand or I kind of rock myself to one side and hope that there is something around that I can use to pull myself up.
It has gotten better with time, but it will never be as easy to move around as it once was.
In all fairness, I have gone through MUCH more than the average TRAM Flap patient. Not everyone will have the same opinion or lack of mobility that I have experienced. I just wish that I had been a bit more informed about how much you do rely on this muscle and that it is not just for exercising, as most people assume.
Unfortunately, that muscle is used for more than just doing sit ups as an exercise. After two years, I am just now finally getting back some use of the rectus abdominis muscles. For example, it is not easy to just sit up in bed or get up off of the floor. I tend to roll my body into the desired position. I call myself a turtle because that is how I feel if I end up on my back. Either I call for one of my kids to give me a hand or I kind of rock myself to one side and hope that there is something around that I can use to pull myself up.
It has gotten better with time, but it will never be as easy to move around as it once was.
In all fairness, I have gone through MUCH more than the average TRAM Flap patient. Not everyone will have the same opinion or lack of mobility that I have experienced. I just wish that I had been a bit more informed about how much you do rely on this muscle and that it is not just for exercising, as most people assume.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
One year later.....
Would I have the TRAM Flap surgery again ? That's a tough question. I know that what has happened to me this year could not have been predicted. No one could look at me and say "Your muscles suck, don't do this." LOL So, rather than dwell on the negative, I try to see the positives of this situation.
1. I think that having the surgery has helped me to take better care of myself. I am never going to have another chance to get a tummy tuck, so I need to be more careful about what and how much I eat. I would love to exercise, but I have been afraid to do anything because I don't want to irritate the muscles or make them pop even worse.
2. My family is amazing. Of course, I already knew this, but you really depend on others when you are in this situation. You have no other choice. My husband was there with me every step of the way. Taking me to appointments, making me take pain meds when I tried to tough it out, keeping the kids quiet so that I could nap, urging me to go see the doctor when I didn't want to admit that there was something wrong. My kids are great too. They have really grown up and been a great help. Having my parents close was also a huge help. Picking kids up from school, babysitting during surgery and appointments- I couldn't have some it without them !
3. YOU are your own advocate. If you feel like something is wrong, do not let it go ! You know yourself better than anyone. If you feel like something is off or doesn't look right, talk to your doctor about it. If you don't get the answers that you are looking for, ask for another opinion. I learned that you can't be worried about hurting someone's feelings. This is your body, your health and you are in control. Don't let anyone talk you into doing something that you are not comfortable with and don't take no for an answer if you think that something is not right. You are important ! Don't diminish how you feel or your opinion.Trust your gut. If something is bothering you, tell someone or keep asking questions until you get an answer.
4. Do your research. I thought that I had done my homework before having the surgery. I had read just about everything on the internet about TRAM and basically thought that I could perform the surgery. Ask questions. Talk to others who have had the surgery. Read blogs and books by others who have been through this. A doctor or nurse can give you an idea of how recovery will go, but they have not lived through it.
5. Sometimes things will not go as planned. That's ok, you just have to figure out what's going on and make a plan to get through it. I was pretty naive to think that things were going to go 100% perfectly and I would be fine after a month. Everyone is different and recovery will vary, but expect some bumps in the road. If things go as planned, awesome. If not, you will not be so discouraged.
6. Maybe all of this happened for a reason. I am a true believer in this one. If my experience helps one person, that's a win for me. It makes all of this crap a little more bearable. I hope that someone, somewhere finds this information useful.
So, would I do it all over again ? Yes. I would. This cruddy one or two years of my life is worth knowing that I am safe. If I had not had the surgery, I would live in constant fear and that is no way to live. Would I have a TRAM ? That one is a little tougher to answer. I would have the surgery, but I would ask more questions and I would be more persistent when I thought that something was wrong. It's easy to see all of this now, not so much when you are living it.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Wow..... It's been a while !
I just realized that I haven't posted in quite a while. Did you miss me ? :) I am happy to say that everything turned out well with the biopsy. No cancer !!! I have just been busy with kids and work and everything else that life wants to throw at me.
While I am so happy that there was no cancer, my breast surgeon saw me for a recheck and referred me to one of her associated to take a look at my abdomen. It is still quite lumpy/bumpy. She also sent me for a CT scan to see if we could determine what exactly was going on. I met with the surgeon and liked him immediately. He explained that my lower bulge was likely due to all of the trauma caused by the constant opening and reopening of that area. The muscle may or may not bounce back. So basically. I am stuck and just need to wait and see if it will repair itself. He was more concerned about my upper abdomen. Remember how I had that bulge right under my ribs ? The ER doc said cellulitis. My PS told me that it was fat/fluid. The new doc said that it was more likely a muscular issue. He thinks that it is most likely a hernia inside that keeps popping out when I strain or use the muscle. So what does that mean ? Another surgery. Seriously.
The doc plans on going in my original incision and then they will go up and work on the upper issue. He is going to go in there to see exactly what the problem is and stretch the muscle back or add mesh across my upper abdomen to strengthen the area. He is also going to check out the lower area and see what's going on there.
I kind of knew that this might be coming, so I am not totally surprised. Did I want to avoid it, yes, but I do not want to look like this any longer. I feel like it is shallow to say that I am not happy with how I look, but the reality is if I don't fix it, it will get worse and this will have to be done eventually.
So, that's where I am at. Fun times :/
While I am so happy that there was no cancer, my breast surgeon saw me for a recheck and referred me to one of her associated to take a look at my abdomen. It is still quite lumpy/bumpy. She also sent me for a CT scan to see if we could determine what exactly was going on. I met with the surgeon and liked him immediately. He explained that my lower bulge was likely due to all of the trauma caused by the constant opening and reopening of that area. The muscle may or may not bounce back. So basically. I am stuck and just need to wait and see if it will repair itself. He was more concerned about my upper abdomen. Remember how I had that bulge right under my ribs ? The ER doc said cellulitis. My PS told me that it was fat/fluid. The new doc said that it was more likely a muscular issue. He thinks that it is most likely a hernia inside that keeps popping out when I strain or use the muscle. So what does that mean ? Another surgery. Seriously.
The doc plans on going in my original incision and then they will go up and work on the upper issue. He is going to go in there to see exactly what the problem is and stretch the muscle back or add mesh across my upper abdomen to strengthen the area. He is also going to check out the lower area and see what's going on there.
I kind of knew that this might be coming, so I am not totally surprised. Did I want to avoid it, yes, but I do not want to look like this any longer. I feel like it is shallow to say that I am not happy with how I look, but the reality is if I don't fix it, it will get worse and this will have to be done eventually.
So, that's where I am at. Fun times :/
Friday, July 25, 2014
So, what is a biopsy exactly ?
We have all heard of biopsy and know that it means that your doctor found something abnormal in your exam or mammogram. Scary, right ? Maybe it will be a little less scary if you know what to expect.
When I arrived for my biopsy, the nurse showed me the dressing room and instructed me to put on a gown, opening in the front. I then went to a waiting room for a short time. The nurse came back and showed me to an ultrasound room. She took my vitals and asked about my medical history as well as if I had any allergies. I signed a consent form and then we were ready to begin.
I hopped up on the bed and the nurse positioned me with my arm over my head. The radiologist and ultrasound tech felt my breast for the areas that we wanted to study. They marked the areas with a marker and then prepped the skin. I didn't watch what the doctor was doing with the needles because I think that I may have passed out ! The doctor began with a few small injections of Lidocaine, to numb the area. I did feel the pinch of the needle going in and then there was a slight burning sensation, but it only lasted for a few seconds. Once the area was numbed, the doctor began with the biopsy. Before he inserted the needle, he clicked the needle so that I would not be afraid when the first sample was taken. The sound reminded me of one of my son's toy guns. Each time he inserted the needle and it was in place, he told me that he was going to take the sample, then "Click". Immediately after, he explained that he was removing the needle and there would be a slight tugging feeling. I could not feel any pain, only the sensation of something moving. He did 3 samples in each of the questionable areas.
I was watching the ultrasound screen at first, but once I saw the needle on the screen, I had to look away ! Once we were finished with the samples, the doctor inserted small clips into the biopsied areas so that we would know that these areas had been tested. The nurse pressed down on the areas where the needles were inserted and then put a few steri-strips on. I was then taken to have a "gentle" mammogram to document the placement of the clips. This was a very quick one, only a few views were taken. When I returned to the room, the nurse redressed the area by putting some Bacitracin on the area as well as new steri-strips. She then covered these areas with a large, clear plastic covering (like the ones that they put over IVs).
We went over instructions about watching for heavy bleeding, showering, watching for infection and which meds were ok to take. The nurse told me that I should have my results in about 2 days. Overall, my appointment only took about 45 minutes. Now that I have been through it and know what to expect, it is not as scary as I thought. The most scary thing is waiting for the results ! Horrible ! :(
Here is a great video about what to expect when you have a biopsy:
When I arrived for my biopsy, the nurse showed me the dressing room and instructed me to put on a gown, opening in the front. I then went to a waiting room for a short time. The nurse came back and showed me to an ultrasound room. She took my vitals and asked about my medical history as well as if I had any allergies. I signed a consent form and then we were ready to begin.
I hopped up on the bed and the nurse positioned me with my arm over my head. The radiologist and ultrasound tech felt my breast for the areas that we wanted to study. They marked the areas with a marker and then prepped the skin. I didn't watch what the doctor was doing with the needles because I think that I may have passed out ! The doctor began with a few small injections of Lidocaine, to numb the area. I did feel the pinch of the needle going in and then there was a slight burning sensation, but it only lasted for a few seconds. Once the area was numbed, the doctor began with the biopsy. Before he inserted the needle, he clicked the needle so that I would not be afraid when the first sample was taken. The sound reminded me of one of my son's toy guns. Each time he inserted the needle and it was in place, he told me that he was going to take the sample, then "Click". Immediately after, he explained that he was removing the needle and there would be a slight tugging feeling. I could not feel any pain, only the sensation of something moving. He did 3 samples in each of the questionable areas.
I was watching the ultrasound screen at first, but once I saw the needle on the screen, I had to look away ! Once we were finished with the samples, the doctor inserted small clips into the biopsied areas so that we would know that these areas had been tested. The nurse pressed down on the areas where the needles were inserted and then put a few steri-strips on. I was then taken to have a "gentle" mammogram to document the placement of the clips. This was a very quick one, only a few views were taken. When I returned to the room, the nurse redressed the area by putting some Bacitracin on the area as well as new steri-strips. She then covered these areas with a large, clear plastic covering (like the ones that they put over IVs).
We went over instructions about watching for heavy bleeding, showering, watching for infection and which meds were ok to take. The nurse told me that I should have my results in about 2 days. Overall, my appointment only took about 45 minutes. Now that I have been through it and know what to expect, it is not as scary as I thought. The most scary thing is waiting for the results ! Horrible ! :(
Here is a great video about what to expect when you have a biopsy:
Thursday, July 24, 2014
The Waiting is the Hardest Part
Torture. Waiting to hear from the doctor is pure torture. Every time the phone rings, I get a pit in my stomach, jump up, run to the phone, and then it is only a telemarketer. Ugh. The nurse from the biopsy said that it usually takes 2-4 days for the results to come back from pathology. Of course, that puts me into next week. She said that I would probably hear something by Friday, so I am waiting on pins and needles. Trying to remain hopeful, but also trying to be realistic. I can't wait to get the phone call so that I can stop worrying about what might be, but will that turn into a whole new thing to worry about ? Feeling stressed, hopeful, hopeless, confused, nervous, sad, optimistic, and pessimistic. Hope that I can sleep tonight :/
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The "B" Word
Biopsy. A few months ago, I noticed a small, hard area on the inside of my right breast. Since I was basically seeing my plastic surgeon every few weeks at that time, I just mentioned it to him. He just told me to "keep and eye on it and see if it got any bigger". Um.... my Mom and Grandma had breast cancer, I tested positive for BRCA AND had a mastectomy to reduce my chances...... Kind of freaking out ! I asked the nurse a few weeks later and she told me that it might be scar tissue that formed around where the flaps attach. Ok. That made more sense. I knew that I had an appointment with my breast surgeon soon, so I figured that I would just get her opinion when I saw her. I showed her the spot and she noted the size and shape of it. She told me that it was most likely fat necrosis- fatty tissue that has been bruised, injured, or has died. She also found a smaller spot, just around the bottom curve of the same breast. Just to be sure what we are dealing with, she sent me to have a mammogram or "Tramogram" and an ultrasound. This time, just of the right breast.
I arrived for this mammogram much more relaxed than previous ones because I knew what to expect. I also have kind of overcome my fear of being naked in front of people (kind of). Ok. Not overcome, but I am a bit more comfortable than I ever was before. I have flashed more people in the last 9 months than all of the co-eds in a "Girls Gone Wild" dvd. OK. Maybe not, but you get the idea. It was funny because the tech said that she remembered me from the last time that I was in. I guess that I am unforgettable :) (Either that or the fact that my last name is crazy, so everyone remembers me). Anyway, first the tech did a breast exam, then marked the questionable areas. We went into the screening room and did the usual stretching, pushing and pulling that occurs with a mammogram. She had me wait in the "holding area" while she had a doctor check the screening and make sure that they did not need anything else. I think that I made it through 3 magazines trying to keep busy, wondering what was taking so long and what they found. She returned and told me that the doctor was doing a procedure and it would just be a few more minutes. Phew. Crisis averted. A little bit after that, she came back and we went to have the ultrasound done.
I have had quite a few ultrasounds done in my day, so when that tech also recognized me, I realized that she was the one who had done my daughter's ultrasound 4 years before. That thought kind of relaxed me and I took me back to when we found out that after two boys, we were going to have a little girl. It was such a happy day for me. Of course, I love my boys, but everyone wants a little shopping buddy and someone to buy dresses and dolls for. After a few minutes, the realization of why I was there returned, but being the optimist that I am, I didn't worry too much. This is just a precaution. No big deal. Get this over with and I can enjoy the rest of my day. But it was a big deal.
The tech told me that it would just be about 10 minutes and the radiologist would look at it and she would let me know either way. She said not to be alarmed if she came back in and did the ultrasound herself, just to get a better look. Well, 10 minutes became 20 and 20 became 30. At this point all kinds of thoughts were going through my head. What the heck is taking so long ? Did they find something ? Were they having an oncology doc to look at it ? Then I thought about before. Maybe they are just waiting for the doc to get out of a procedure. Just relax. I said a few prayers and tried to settle myself down. Then they came in.
The radiologist was very nice. She had me lay back down and she tried to take a look at the spots. She went over the first, larger area. I could see on the screen that it was a oval-shaped, empty-looking area. Then she went over the second, smaller spot. It didn't have the same smooth shape and it was not clear. That was when I started to worry.
I sat up and she explained that I had three options.
1. Wait 6 months and have another screening and see if anything had changed. Um. NO.
2. Have a biopsy of the areas in question and know for sure what they were.
3. Have my breast doctor remove the lumps.
I told her that I was not going to wait and that I wanted to do the biopsy, so we know what we are dealing with. She told me that I could schedule it for next week in our local hospital and then left. Then she came back in and told me that I might want to consider having it done at the larger hospital 40 miles away "just in case" they needed to do an MRI or something. Now I am really worried. Did she really think that it was something to be concerned about ? I held it together until I got to the car and then the tears fell.
When I got home, my husband hugged me while I cried and reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I really want to believe this and I do, but then that nasty doubt creeps in and makes me question why I am not more worried. I wasn't worried about being BRCA positive and I was. Maybe I have cancer and I am blowing it off because I think that it is all going to be ok. I know that I just had the surgery 8 months ago, so there wasn't anything there then and my tissue samples were good, so that makes me feel a little better, but this is still hanging over me. Why do these things always happen on a Friday ?
So, next week, I will have a biopsy done and hopefully have some answers.
I arrived for this mammogram much more relaxed than previous ones because I knew what to expect. I also have kind of overcome my fear of being naked in front of people (kind of). Ok. Not overcome, but I am a bit more comfortable than I ever was before. I have flashed more people in the last 9 months than all of the co-eds in a "Girls Gone Wild" dvd. OK. Maybe not, but you get the idea. It was funny because the tech said that she remembered me from the last time that I was in. I guess that I am unforgettable :) (Either that or the fact that my last name is crazy, so everyone remembers me). Anyway, first the tech did a breast exam, then marked the questionable areas. We went into the screening room and did the usual stretching, pushing and pulling that occurs with a mammogram. She had me wait in the "holding area" while she had a doctor check the screening and make sure that they did not need anything else. I think that I made it through 3 magazines trying to keep busy, wondering what was taking so long and what they found. She returned and told me that the doctor was doing a procedure and it would just be a few more minutes. Phew. Crisis averted. A little bit after that, she came back and we went to have the ultrasound done.
I have had quite a few ultrasounds done in my day, so when that tech also recognized me, I realized that she was the one who had done my daughter's ultrasound 4 years before. That thought kind of relaxed me and I took me back to when we found out that after two boys, we were going to have a little girl. It was such a happy day for me. Of course, I love my boys, but everyone wants a little shopping buddy and someone to buy dresses and dolls for. After a few minutes, the realization of why I was there returned, but being the optimist that I am, I didn't worry too much. This is just a precaution. No big deal. Get this over with and I can enjoy the rest of my day. But it was a big deal.
The tech told me that it would just be about 10 minutes and the radiologist would look at it and she would let me know either way. She said not to be alarmed if she came back in and did the ultrasound herself, just to get a better look. Well, 10 minutes became 20 and 20 became 30. At this point all kinds of thoughts were going through my head. What the heck is taking so long ? Did they find something ? Were they having an oncology doc to look at it ? Then I thought about before. Maybe they are just waiting for the doc to get out of a procedure. Just relax. I said a few prayers and tried to settle myself down. Then they came in.
The radiologist was very nice. She had me lay back down and she tried to take a look at the spots. She went over the first, larger area. I could see on the screen that it was a oval-shaped, empty-looking area. Then she went over the second, smaller spot. It didn't have the same smooth shape and it was not clear. That was when I started to worry.
I sat up and she explained that I had three options.
1. Wait 6 months and have another screening and see if anything had changed. Um. NO.
2. Have a biopsy of the areas in question and know for sure what they were.
3. Have my breast doctor remove the lumps.
I told her that I was not going to wait and that I wanted to do the biopsy, so we know what we are dealing with. She told me that I could schedule it for next week in our local hospital and then left. Then she came back in and told me that I might want to consider having it done at the larger hospital 40 miles away "just in case" they needed to do an MRI or something. Now I am really worried. Did she really think that it was something to be concerned about ? I held it together until I got to the car and then the tears fell.
When I got home, my husband hugged me while I cried and reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I really want to believe this and I do, but then that nasty doubt creeps in and makes me question why I am not more worried. I wasn't worried about being BRCA positive and I was. Maybe I have cancer and I am blowing it off because I think that it is all going to be ok. I know that I just had the surgery 8 months ago, so there wasn't anything there then and my tissue samples were good, so that makes me feel a little better, but this is still hanging over me. Why do these things always happen on a Friday ?
So, next week, I will have a biopsy done and hopefully have some answers.
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