Big girls don't cry

I am an optimist. Always have been. I try to see the best in every situation. Sometimes, that is easier said than done. Being BRCA + stinks. No one wants this diagnosis, but there is nothing we can do to change it.

Have a mastectomy, that will fix it. But what happens when things don't go exactly as planned ? I have been trying hard through this whole surgery/recovery to take things as they came and not get too upset when things don't go well. Some days are better than others.

These last few weeks have been dotted with good days and bad days. I just want to be normal again. Why is this taking so long ? I look so deformed and feel gross. Why is this happening ? I had such great results a month after the surgery. Will it ever look that good again ?  Nothing in my closet fits.  I feel uncomfortable wearing clothes that fit a few months ago. It's so depressing.

Everyone has so many questions about my recovery and sometimes, it's hard  because I don't know the answers. I know that everyone is just curious and have my best interest at heart, but I don't like all of the attention. What I want more than anything is to feel normal again and instead, I feel like I stick out more than ever before.

I've gone through all emotions in the past few months. Happy, sad, relieved, scared, confused, nervous, tired.... I've cried. A lot. It helps. Talking about it helps too. I am lucky to have good listeners who let me talk through things and validate my feelings. No, this was not what was supposed to happen. Yes, it is ok to be worried. It is also ok to want to look and feel normal. That is not shallow or vain, I went in looking one way and now I look worse. It's ok to want to look normal again. Being BRCA+ sucks.

But...... things will get better. Yep. The optimist is back. :)

What a long, strange trip it's been.....And it's not over yet

Well, it has been about a month since my last post and what a month it has been ! The ultrasound showed that I did have a few pockets of fluid hanging around. I also still had my last drain in from the surgery. My doc decided to remove the drain and I was finally free !!! It only took 4 months, but it felt so great to finally be able to move around without that thing attached. You get so used to having the drain, you don't realize how much you are restricted by it. After that came out, I noticed that my stomach was still not right. I was worried about more fluid collection, so we did another ultrasound and that revealed a decrease in the size of the fluid pockets, so that was a plus.

So, if it wasn't fluid collection, what the heck was wrong ? All along, I had been told that it was fluid. It was cellulitis. It was inflammation. It would get better, just give it some time. But it was not getting better. So I asked my doctor to explain what was going on. He explained that the scar tissue grew between my skin and muscle, it would need some time to grow back together correctly. The scar tissue also pushed everything around, causing the inflammation in my stomach area. We decided to wait a few months, try to let things heal and settle, then we will decide where to go from here. I may try massage therapy and see if that might help the swelling go down. At this point, I will try anything !

This may seem like I am whining, but my clothes still do not fit right. After wearing sweat pants for 4 months, I had to try and find something in my closet to wear to work. I still have a bulged out area where the mass was removed, so I need pants that will allow some space in that area. I also have the swollen area on the right side. So, a lot of the my shirts and blouses don't fit either. My stomach looks like a roller coaster. :( I know that this is temporary, but it is disappointing.