This is IT !!!!!

Finally. I was within a week of the surgery. I had let school know, made plans for the kids, packed my bag. Filled all of my prescriptions. I thought that I was ready. Maybe. I have to admit, I did have a moment (or two) where I thought about the "what-ifs". Do I need to make out a will ? Should I write out a list of songs and readings that I liked for my funeral? I knew that it was silly, I just remember hearing about people my age who die from blood clots after surgery or something weird and I didn't want to be unprepared. But then I just said to myself  "Self, you are being silly. There is nothing that you can do about surgery. You are going to knocked out. You aren't doing any of the cutting, stitching or anything. The only thing that you CAN do is follow the directions from the docs and nurses after". And that is is exactly what I am doing. BTW- I didn't die, just in case you were wondering ;)

Ok. Let me back up a bit and go over the surgery, hospital, blah, blah, blah......


The day has arrived. All of the planning, waiting, hoping, dreading, crying, worrying has come to an end.
I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 6am. Since I live an hour away, I was pretty darn tired. I knew that I would sleep most of the day anyway, but my husband was going to be exhausted ! I checked in, they called me right back and I got all dressed up in my beautiful gown. Met with the anesthesiologist, my breast surgeon came in a reassured me. Then my plastic surgeon came in. another awkward artist session, at least this time, I was a little numb in the breast area. :)

So, after my IV went in, off to sleep I went. I don't even remember going into the Operating Room like I usually do. So, for the next 5-5 1/2 hours, I was sleeping soundly without a care in the world. And then I woke up.

The "S" Word

Ok....... It's been long enough. I have been waiting it seemed like forever to get this surgery over and move on with my life. My doctor and I had discussed two possibilities: Mastectomy with implants and a TRAM Flap surgery. (Here's some more information about the TRAM FLAP surgery).

My doc said I was just on the edge of the weight recommended for the TRAM surgery, so, unless I could lose a little weight, we would probably go with the straight implant surgery. I thought that I would do what I can and see what happens. I tried to watch what I ate a little bit and started walks around the neighborhood, But I just couldn't lose any weight. I figured that I was destined to go implants.

My Mom and both sisters went with the implants and were happy to choose what breast size they would ultimately be. My Mom and one sister went straight to implants, while my other sister did expanders. She said that it was uncomfortable, but not horrible. I wasn't really looking forward to going in every few weeks or month and tweaking it (Bad memories from braces !).

At my next appointment, my doc did the measurements, head tilt and grabbed at my fat again. He said no problem, we can do the TRAM and I could be C, just like I was after the reduction. YEAH !!! I knew that it was going to be a tougher surgery, but I would be happy with the results after it was over. Even if I was slightly slimmer, I would be happy. I couldn't get any fatter, right ?

Subtraction before addition

So. The reduction. I have had several surgeries throughout my life, so I wasn't too worried about the surgery. This surgery should only take an hour or hour and a half, so no big deal. I have to say, the most embarrassing part of the whole thing was when my ps came in to the pre-op room and drew all over my body with a sharpie. My husband was watching and I am soooooo ticklish !!! OMG My body probably looked like a drawing that my 3 year old did. I felt like I was on Nip/Tuck, but I'm not hot. LMAO.

After surgery, I elected to stay for the evening, and went home the next day. At first, my boobs were ROCK hard ! They were really hard for quite a while. They felt like I was breast feeding again. I actually followed my doctor's orders and took it easy for about 6 weeks, then went back to work. I would say that I was feeling like myself after 3 weeks or so, but I enjoyed the "free" time anyway, just to be sure.

Can I tell you how exciting it was to actually fit into my clothes again ? You know, those ones that have a place in the back of the closet for when "You lose a little weight" although that have occupied that corner for 3 years ? I pulled those out and they fit ! They FREAKING fit !!!

Ok. I am 5'2 and I have been wearing DD+ bras since having my kids. Just because I could wear a medium shirt because it fit my waist, my giant boobs would make me have to buy an XL blouse. Then, the shirt hangs off of my and I look like I am wearing a garbage bag.

So I could finally bring back clothes into my rotation and everyone compliments me "Is that a new sweater ? Did you lose weight?" It's awesome !!! 

Surgery Scheduled. Just Kidding !!

***Attention*** This is not for everyone and not every surgeon will suggest this, just my personal experience :)
After a few consultations with my plastic surgeon, we discussed options about surgery. I have had 3 kids and had "National Geographic" boobs. AKA "Fruit Roll Up" boobs. Basically, you gather them up and shove them in a giant bra. They contort and somehow come out in a round-ish shape. So, since they were "sizeable", my nipples hung down quite a bit and wouldn't look right if they were to clear out the tissue and reconstruct them to a smaller size. If I wanted to save my nipples, I would have to have them removed during surgery, placed elsewhere on my body (under arm, stomach area)and then have it reattached once things had healed a bit. This could go off with out a hitch (worked for my Mom and one other sister). However, there were some things that could happen.
1. The skin could reject it and it could die.
2. There could be a lack of blood supply and it could die.
3. I would be a "Barbie" for a time until the nipples were reattached, not to mention, I would also have udders. LOL
We scheduled the surgery for the "Nipple-Sparing Mastectomy" and I started to prepare for that (mentally and physically)...
Then my doctor had an idea. What if we did a reduction first ? It would give me an idea of the "end product" size, They could put the nipples in the final position, so we could avoid that procedure later, it was also give me a little more time to get myself into shape since my boobs were going to be smaller, they couldn't hide my my "mommy gut" as much anymore. One of the biggest advantage if that it gets rid of excess tissue, making the final surgery shorter and the blood flow is increased, which will help in the tissue healing and less chance of necrosis (tissue loss).
Well, at first I was like. "Really ?" I had already told my boss I needed time off, got the kids arrangements all squared away, now this ? AND, if I did do the reduction, that means another surgery and having to wait another 3 months until I could through with the "BIG" surgery.
What to do, what to do..... As much as I really wanted this OVER with, I called my breast doc and asked her opinion. She said flat out, it was my decision, but if it were her, she would do it this way. OK, so I decided that this makes sense and I would suck it up and have the second surgery because it would look the best in the long run.
So, I called my Mom and my sisters and...... they hated the idea. I bawled my eyes out. It was so hard to make this decision, and I felt like I was on my own. I tried to remember all of the positives that the doctors had said and I thought for sure that by telling my Mom that Dr. K had recommended it that she would support me. I was feeling really down, but I figured "This is my body and I don't have to do what everyone else wants me to do". I do highly value what others have to say, but when did they go to medical school ? So, I went along with the scheduled date and had the reduction, as planned.


***UPDATE***
Once I explained the advantages of doing the reconstruction, they were on board. I am soooooooooo happy that I did the reduction first. The results are wonderful ! I will not need to do any further surgeries to "touch up" any scars or to have nipples placed or tattooed. All of the nurses at the office comment on how great my breasts look. I was very surprised, but the doctors did not have to cut around the nipple during the TRAM flap surgery, they just cut along the same line as the previous surgery. It is six months later and the scars have almost faded around my nipples. I would definitely  recommend doing both surgeries if you are able to and your doctor recommends it. I am very pleased with the results !!

Plastic Surgeon..... Round 2

Soooo.... where were we ? I guess it was a bout a year ago. I just had my oophorectomy and life was pretty good. The surgery wasn't horrible and I was back to work after a few days. No one even knew (other than my boss), and I was ok with that. I am a pretty private, modest person. I like people, but I don't like them knowing my business. I really like my co-workers, but I just wasn't ready at that point to broadcast it. I knew that I was going to do the surgery, just not exactly when or how.

Shortly after the ooph, I made an appointment with my sister (another one) and my Mom's breast surgeon and plastic surgeon. My mom had not troubles, but my sister had a few issues, which made me hesitate about going with this ps. I had my appointment with the breast surgeon first. I LOVE her. Can I say that ? She was so accommodating and made me feel like a person, not just a patient. She talked to me like a friend rather that someone paying her. She answered all of my questions and didn't make me feel dumb for asking. I did ask her about the other doc. She reassured me that if I wanted to meet with another one, she would go with me and we could talk about it together or whatever made me feel the most comfortable. I asked her about the doc that my Mom and sis saw and I asked her "If it were you, what would you do ?". She said 100% she would go with him. No question about it. So, I figured if he was good enough for a top breast surgeon, he would probably be good enough for little old me ;) So, next on the checklist was meeting with the plastic surgeon. I was a bit worried because I am kind of joker and I had heard that he was kind if a dry guy. Looking back, what the heck was I thinking. I wasn't going to to go with a skilled surgeon because he didn't laugh at me jokes ? Silly.

At first it was uncomfortable, stripping down for him, his assistant. Taking pictures (really uncomfortable). I just tried to put myself in a different place. My head wasn't on any of them and they were from the waist up, but they definitely weren't flattering ! The reassuring thing was that this was the WORST that they were ever going to look. I was going to look better. Not immediately, but we would get there. By the way, although he wasn't Jokey McJokester, he was no where near as bad as I had imagined. Once again, make your own judgements based on personal experience. Others will have their opinions, but this is about YOU and your comfort level !!!

Wow. It's been a while, huh ? Time flies when you are having fun !

I don't remember if I have said this before, but I will say it again anyway because it it so true. This takes over your life. Not forever, but from the time you find out that you are positive until your surgery (and recovery), it seems like it is always on your mind. Planning school conferences, vacations, your job..... everything gets the "Do I have an appointment that day?" or "I should be out of the hospital by that time." before you can commit. The important thing to remember is that this is temporary. Five years from now, you won't even think about.

Pretty Is What Changes ~ Jessica Queller

This is not really a book review. More of a recommendation. Anyone who has tested positive, knows someone who has tested positive or is interested in this subject should read this book. The subject was handled so perfectly.
Jessica expressed all of the feelings that I have been struggling with and have a hard time explaining to others. Jessica's story is similar to mine (other than the fact that she has led a much more interesting life than I have ;) It was so nice to know that someone else had the same questions about surgery that I did- "What ? There is no way that I am going to chop my boobs off!", "Am I crazy to even consider this ?", "How will I feel after the surgery ?", "Will I still be attractive to my husband ? He says he will love me no matter what, but it will never be the same.", "What will other people think when they find out ? Everyone will think that I am nuts !". The truth is, it doesn't matter what other people think. Jessica showed that even though she was scared and unsure, she shared her decision with millions of people, despite what they might say. By doing so, she brought attention to a relatively unheard of subject.
I wish that I could personally thank Jessica for being so open and brave and sharing her story and her deepest thoughts and fears with us. It is so nice to know that I am not alone and reassuring that I AM making the right decision. I also appreciate the fact that she did not sugarcoat how difficult these decisions or surgeries are. She also celebrates the fact that we are fortunate to have this information BEFORE it is too late and we CAN do something about it ! We don't have to wait for cancer. WE are in control !!!
Please read this book ! You will be glad that you did !!

Pretty is What Changes