Two years later....

Wow. I cna't beleive that I have been away so long. A lot has happened since my last update. I noticed that I still had a asymmetry in my upper abdomen and so I tried theraputic massage. My doctor thought that it may be fluid trapped in a pocket. While it was relaxing, it didn't do anything for me. I then tried physical therapy. The therapist told me that it was actually the muscle that was bulging and that I had diastasis recti, or a  separation between the two sides of the rectus abdominis muscles.

Just after my one year update, I consulted with a general surgeon regarding these issues as well as weakness in my lower abdominal area (again) and we decided that the best thing to do would be to go back in the original site and do an overhaul. The general surgeon suggested that he work with my plastic surgeon since he had done the other surgeries and knew what had been done. So, a day before my birthday, I went in for the surgery. Believe it or not, I was excited. I wanted to fix it all and move on. I was tired of looking funny and being in pain. I stayed overnight and left on my birthday, hopeful that this would be it.

But it wasn't.

I followed the doctor's instructions. To a T. I was convinced that I had done too much previously or I had somehow caused all of this each time, Again I had drainage issues, seromas, etc. About a month and a half later, I was able to return to work. I still had drains in, but I really wanted to get back to a normal life. I did eventaully get there. A few months later, I was again noticing a large disparity in the way my abdominal area looked. It literally looked like a roller coaster. One small bump on the lower left side, a large dip and then a big hill on the upper right. It felt weird too. I could feel the mesh under the muscle, but I also felt a funny "bubble" that sat on the top of the large bulge. I decided to see if a different doctor could answer what it was. I was hopeful that he may be able to explain things and fix it. I know..... another surgery ?!?! Really ?!?! He did explain that it was just how it was healing with scar tissue and basically there isn't much that he could do. Going in again may not be the best idea. The way he put it was that with each surgery, you run the risk of damaging the muscles even further. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement.

I had gone through all of this stuff and nothing had worked out how I wanted it to. Of course, reducing the risk of breast cancer was some consolation, but I was feeling pretty low. It was depressing. I hated how people asked how I was doing and I explained and they gave me that pitiful "Oh, poor you" look. I didn't want anyone's pity, I just wanted to feel and look normal again. I looked back at pictures that I had taken right after surgery and it literally made me cry. My body had been through so much trauma ove the past two years and looked NOTHING like that. It looked so much worse. Uneven, bumpy, lumpy, gross. Losing a little weight didn't help either, it just accentuated the deformity.

So, that's where I am right now. Not happy with how I look, but dealing with it. I am not sure what my next course of action is. I am going to give it a little more time and maybe I'll see what my options are in 6 months. I am not comfortable wearing form-fitting shirts that I was hoping to wear again. Now, I wear tops that are a size too big so that they do not cling to my lump. Unfortunately, they hang loose on me and I look like I am playing dress up my Mom's clothes. When I do wear something a little bit tighter, people ask if I have lost weight or remark on how much smaller I am. I don't want to have to explain why I wear larger shirts to cover my stomach. It's embarrassing.

Maybe it doens't look as bad as I think, but I am my own worst critic. Someday I'll feel good about my body again. Just not today.

I don't do sit ups anyway !

I always thought that it was kind of funny when the doctor would explain that the "sit up" muscle would be cut during a TRAM Flap surgery. I would joke everytime "Well, I don't do sit ups anyway, so I will be fine." Ha ha ha.......
Unfortunately, that muscle is used for more than just doing sit ups as an exercise. After two years, I am just now finally getting back some use of the rectus abdominis muscles. For example, it is not easy to just sit up in bed or get up off of the floor. I tend to roll my body into the desired position. I call myself a turtle because that is how I feel if I end up on my back. Either I call for one of my kids to give me a hand or I kind of rock myself to one side and hope that there is something around that I can use to pull myself up.
It has gotten better with time, but it will never be as easy to move around as it once was.
In all fairness, I have gone through MUCH more than the average TRAM Flap patient. Not everyone will have the same opinion or lack of mobility that I have experienced. I just wish that I had been a bit more informed about how much you do rely on this muscle and that it is not just for exercising, as most people assume.